Starbucks’ Fall Drinks Let Me Down

As we are neck-deep in changing seasons and weather that is awkwardly not hot but still makes you sweat around lunch time, one thing is clear: fall has arrived!

Don’t get me wrong, I love fall as much as the next gal— pumpkin-flavored things, oversized sweaters, random and unwelcome reminders that our climate is heating up. What’s not to love? All jokes aside, I do love fall. However, can I call myself a true autumnal fan if I have never tried a single seasonal fall drink from Starbucks?

Over the course of September, I systematically tested a few of these fall drinks that Starbucks has to offer, and boy oh boy, did I learn a thing or two. 

Pumpkin Spice Latte

The latte, the myth, the legend. And extremely underwhelming. It was sweet to the point I choked the first time I sipped it, and though it still tasted pretty good, there is no way I could ever finish a size larger than the kids’ cup.

It was way too thick as a hot beverage, and I don’t think I would ever get this beverage again. Though I feel like I’ve forsaken autumn as a season, I can’t help but slander this infamous drink.

Iced Pumpkin Spice Latte

This was definitely much easier to drink than its hot and more popular counterpart, and its overwhelming sweetness needed the crutch of the ice. With the water entering the drink over the time it took me to muster another sip (and therefore putting myself one again at high risk for high cholesterol), it was much better and I might actually buy this drink before the winter drinks enter the playing field. 

Iced Apple Crisp Macchiato 

This drink made me think I was allergic to apples. My throat closed the instant I took my first sip and I welcomed my death, only praying that when they found me in my Catholic school uniform that they’d spare me the embarrassment and put me in something cool for my open-casket funeral. As the sugar blocked the passage of air through my larynx, I contemplated asking my sister though a scrambled text if she could hire Emma Chamberlain to style my corpse, Iced Apple Crisp Macchiato still in hand.

I recently learned that there is a hot version of this, and I think getting within a half mile radius of that drink would stop my heart instantly. I won’t be getting this drink again, despite my massive sweet tooth making me biased every other time but now. 

Pumpkin Cream Cold Brew

The Pumpkin Cream Cold Brew is by far the best autumn drink that Starbucks has to offer. I think the cream and the bitterness of the pumpkin spice balance out the sweetness of the drink and makes for the perfect, refreshing fall beverage. I will get this again, but I will wait for a day where I have no tests or energy so that my hands don’t shake while I have another caffeine-induced panic attack. It’s kind of worth it, though!

***

This experience made me come to a conclusion that I didn’t believe to be true until I tried these drinks myself: Starbucks’ fall drinks are completely overrated. I asked a few of my friends if they genuinely enjoyed any of these drinks, and though I heard a few compliments of the Pumpkin Cream Cold Brew, one motif remained prominent: the drinks themselves were overrated, but the vibe was appropriately hyped.

How can this be true? This thought crossed my mind instantly as I thought of all the half-drunk fall beverages that sat on my desk during this past September. I agreed that it was fun to have pumpkin spice drinks for the vibe of autumn, but at what cost? Fall is my favorite season, but I find myself pining for the winter drinks and aching to escape the choking sweetness of their autumn menu. 

One of my closest friends confronted the problem with precision, simply stating, “Starbucks fall drinks are all too sweet and taste like a Bath & Body Works candle puked. It’s time to stop pretending they’re good.” Though I had a few friends protect the integrity of the classic PSL, one fact remains: I will be waiting out the next couple of months filled with pumpkin-scented lotion lattes so I can reach the peppermint oasis of winter’s flavors.

Will you, or will you stay present in the annual PSL pilgrimage? Though it’s up to you, know that I recommend the Pumpkin Cream Cold Brew (But only if you’re willing to feel like you can move everyone of your cells at will while your eyes can see ultraviolet light waves. That caffeine doesn’t mess around.).